Sometimes your own scars startle you. Sometimes you wonder why you’re crying after midnight-you wonder where your very first misstep occurred. You might despise the way someone’s face contorts when they are telling you just how wrong you are. Sometimes you can’t keep it all in even when you know it isn’t going to come out right. Sometimes one sentence changes your whole day…for better, or worse.


Photo Credit: Deanne Brooke Rivera–6.29.11, all rights reserved to deannebrooke.com

I can run inside the shadow, but there is a circle in place of a finish line…it’s a pit without a pendulum, a staircase spiraling downward.  A moment on fire, frozen in time.

I can count the rain clouds and the empty branches on the tree…the sky is opening up again, but all I can see is that you too, are empty.  An unwritten book in hand.  Just you, searching for me.

photo credited to: Lauren Elizabeth Crown, all rights reserved to deannebrooke.com 


Soul, driving down this lonesome road

Somewhere…somewhere, someone’s waiting

You’re leaving with a part of me

Stolen…stolen time that once was mine

Precious words we left unheard

Desert me and deceive me, but I don’t care

I don’t care anymore

You love me then you leave me, but I don’t care

I don’t care anymore

Heart, stepping through the door alone

Somewhere…somewhere, someone’s longing

Smiled, someone at the red light smiled

Saved me, saved me from my inner strife

Baby, he just saved my life

Desert me and deceive me, but I don’t care…

I don’t care anymore.

Photo Rights Reserved--Deanne Brooke Rivera, www.DeanneBrooke.com

My Fabric

You can always tear away part of the fabric right at the seam–I can show you how.  I can help you fill up the void and stitch things back together too…

There is so much more that I am capable of finishing up for you–but that’s not really what I want.  I know what you’re looking for–I know what you need.  I fully understand what this is bound to grow into…

change is coming, it happens every day.  And it’s not that I don’t like it, but are you honestly going to look right at me and tell me not to hold on to just one small piece of any and everything that I love?  Will you insist on telling me that I shouldn’t keep any of it–any trace of the breeze, any scent of a torn shirt that passes by me?

I’ve been cultivating my memories…how do you think I ended up this way?

Ending up is fine with me,

Everything I am is a benefit to you.

Find one whole love ‘Under the Bridge’…

or not.  Either way–

I’m the one.






I won’t be able to separate these things – I won’t ever be able to go back without you.  If you stay, I think I’ll be able to give my very best…just stay and keep my hand in yours – I won’t be able to chase the most haunting memories if you’re not there with me, not right there – just watching me rest.  And when I’m sleeping – it is really the closest then – but it is you who makes me feel alive.  I would tell you down to the second – but now I can’t remember when.
But you make my heart beat and you win the race – take every last breath away – lift me up and kiss my face.  I’ll keep it all together, but I can’t always stop the tears for you – fill me up and feel the rain and understand that what I tell you is nothing but the truth.  I never meant to overwhelm you, it’s so hard to hold all of this back -
Don’t let it scare you…I have to save all of these little dreams from a much bigger attack.
October 28th, 2009

Peace in thy hands,

Peace in thine eyes,

Peace on thy brow;

Flower of a moment in the eternal hour,

Peace with me now.

Not a wave breaks,

Not a bird calls,

My heart, like a sea,

Silent after a storm that hath died,

Sleeps within me.

All the night’s dews,

All the world’s leaves,

All the winter’s snow

Seem with their quiet to have stilled in life’s dream

All sorrowing now.





I could tell you why I’m empty, and when I’m feeling full- the distance overlaps here though, brings back the bitter taste, the final push and pull. Skating on thin ice because there’s fire underneath, still smiling when I’m with you though- you’re still inside the space I can reach.

You read me like a book most days, always pleading when you know something is wrong, but this time I can’t place the emptiness…no matter what, it won’t take long. Isn’t that right? Isn’t that what they think? Please just pick me up again, I can’t start sinking today…please set me on my feet.

You’re just as full now, as you were when this started…I told you day one that I was still so broken-hearted. Standing in the parking lot, the air was cooling across my face- Standing right in front of you, my secret sacred place.

And I’m filling up the empty space, though I’m not sure you can really tell.

Smiling in the summertime. This is why I fell.


If you don’t believe in the lyrics, I don’t know why you sing along.
I can still remember that sunset and the sound of the little waves breaking on the side of the boat-
it’s always the music and his shoes and his sweatshirt…it’s his brother telling me I can wish my eyes to blue…
and that anytime I’m ever cold I can just wear his coat.
I believed in the words though, you know…and I still believe them today.  I can still weave all of the threads together-
I could never truly turn you away.  The end of the rope is like the seawall at the lake-it’s the end of the line and it’s too much to take.  No one ever wants to go in, they just want to buy more time.  They want to see you say hi again…they don’t want you to turn yourself in.
That shiny blue bowl with the water running over…that’s the one stormy thing that makes me think of you.  Your glasses and your black bathing suit…and your breathing getting slower.  It was all of those ghost stories I think-making the laps around the house in the dark disappear as soon as our swollen fears started to sink.
You with your beauty mark and me with brown eyes-
you had a few inches on me, but we were both caught up in opposing side’s lines.
But then sidelines and Starry Eyes and a broken rib or two at the lake-
he was never the one who broke the rules, but the blame was all set out up there-and the ghost stories were piling up, but they were undoubtedly only mine to take.
It was me who was holding your head when you had fallen down-
it was me who was so excited when I heard that you would be coming around.
It rained that first day you came.
I wonder now if you would recognize me on the street.  I wonder if you’d remember that I didn’t have a beauty mark-
but maybe in its place…I had a middle name.
like a lake
it’s a final sweeping motion that runs over the surface of something…like a lake, but maybe it’s just a river.  maybe there are rocks underneath, some that are visible from the shore, from the bank.  maybe there are some that you cannot see though, too.  then there is a desire to get in the water.  there could be a desire to get to the other side.  should we go together?  i could stay in the water or go to the other side.  we could always get back in the water.  if you would stay with me there, in that place with the sweeping motion on the surface…i would deal with the cold.  i usually want the cold…it wakes me up.  people usually talk about the water making them new…but it always takes me back.  maybe new again?  but never new for the first time, you just can’t get back there.
counting the rocks will keep us busy, we could give them names.  we could identify them by their color or by their shape.  we could remember them by the wounds they cause.  the wounds are all wrapped up for now.  wouldn’t you miss them if they were gone?  it’s good to heal like this.  sometimes i’m not sure if you can see it that way…but the hurt is only real when the healing starts.  it has to be that way.
you can argue away all of the insensitivities…i’m just going to start remembering the verses.  the embraces that come creeping up first in my mind.  i’m replacing everything that never frayed…because those things are not worth holding.  i’ll hold the mistakes and the harsh words, the expressions you showed to me that you never meant to give away.  you gave them to me, and i’ll keep them all.
i’ll keep the little arguments too, the little sorry and the little scar.  we’ll get dressed up and you will touch my face.  we will smile at the same time…and forget every other place.